LotS/The Story/Talia's Team/Scum Scrum

Scum Scrum

Scum Scrum

Time flies. Maybe it was all the montages... But before we knew it, we were running out onto a pitch that was lit up with floodlights, and there were thousands of people shouting in the stands. Some of the kung fu students kept looking around like they couldn't believe it. I probably should have trained them for that too, but a girl can't think of everything. I was okay -- after you've been in a few battles, a screaming crowd isn't a big deal. Besides, I was there when you were in Twisted Steel. It was pretty much the same thing.

And it was a home crowd. Mostly people from Sian who'd come to cheer the Dragons on. That helped everyone who was nervous. There's nothing quite like hearing an army chanting your name, or seeing your team logo painted on girls' breasts (it was a cold night as well -- hope none of them caught a chill).

Wu Tenchu had set aside part of the stadium for the away team though. It was full of people from Drekchester, so it looked kind of like a riot that hadn't got started yet. The Blood Alley Gang were there in the front row. Virgil said they'd bet a ton of credits on the match. And word was that they'd offered a big bonus to any Mega who killed me in the match. Jerks! We should have let Ragnar cut that big one's leg off...

Those two guys who do the commentary for all the big thugby matches were there as well, linked to the stadium's sound system so everyone could hear them.

"I'm Jesse Shark, here with Bob 'Blam' Boser, broadcasting from Sian's Eternal Dragon Stadium! Did you ever think we'd be back here, Bob?"

"No I didn't, Jesse. When the Centurians took over, I thought this place would be closed down for good."

"That's right, Bob -- thugby was banned all across Collective space, including in the conquered Sian Empire. A sad day for liberty and sport!"

"Yeah! Makes me glad Willy genocided them!"

"Wow! Controversial words, Bob!"

"Not to this crowd! Just listen to them cheer, Jesse!"

"Well, a lot of people think we're going to be witnessing another genocide here tonight."

"Nice segue, Jesse! Yeah, most gamblers aren't betting on whether the Dragons will win the match -- they're betting on how many of them will survive!"

"Talia Ryx, the captain of the newly rebuilt Sian Dragons, has been landed with the most dangerous job in thugby. She has to be regretting that decision right about now!"

"Ha! See that, Jesse?"

"It looks like Miss Ryx is making an obscene gesture in our direction."

"You're just lucky that's all she's doing! The girl's a great shot with those guns of hers. We've all seen the footage of her shooting camera drones out of the air and datapads out of journalists' hands."

"We sure have, Bob. Those reporters should have learned what 'no comment' means!"

"Here come the Megas! Just listen to the home fans boo!"

We'd all watched holo-vids of the Megas. You have to be prepared, right? But they looked even bigger and nastier in person. Remember what the walls looked like in Drekchester? It was like they'd been cut right out of them. Their armor was covered in graffiti. Some of it was even done in glowing neon. It actually looked pretty cool. I might get a black dress with that stuff on it for nights out.

The biggest of them all was their captain, Gut-Phager. I spotted him right away, because he was a few inches taller than everyone else and just wore a mask instead of a helmet (he didn't need one -- his skull got cracked open in a match, so he had metal plates put in). His name was spray-painted on his chest. In case he got lost, I guess. And below it was a picture of a mouth with some long, ropey things hanging out.

He walked up and stared into my eyes, like he was trying to psyche me out. Guess he didn't know I'd met way scarier people than him...

"You ready to get rumpled, chummer?"

At least I think that's what he said... Even my aural implant couldn't really understand his accent through that mask.

"Huh? Take those turds out of your mouth before you talk to me." I pointed at the picture on his chest.

"Those are guts, prosser! I'm Gut-Phager! I phage guts!"

"Yeah, sure they are... Crap-Phager."

Okay, if you were there you'd probably have come up with something cleverer. But hey, it worked. He was pissed. He would have gone for me right there, if the refs hadn't separated us and made both our teams line up.

There was a minute's silence for the original Sian Dragons. Everyone honored it -- even the Megas and their fans. If someone had spat, you would have heard it hit the ground. The dead players' pictures appeared on the stadium's screens. First there were some from the matches they played. Then there were more, showing them just having fun with their friends and families. I never knew any of them, but I still got a bit choked up.

When it was over, there was a round of applause. Then the Sian anthem played. Oh, yeah... I forgot to say. That was Screaming Barracuda's deal. She played for us when we trained, and in return she got to sing the anthem on the night. I didn't tell Wu Tenchu about that. He might have sent an assassin after me...

And it worked out great. Barra has a pretty nice voice under all that screaming she usually does. She probably knew she couldn't get away with screwing up our anthem. Not if she wanted to get off Sian alive. I think it was the first time people have ever cheered at the end of one of her songs because it was good, instead of cheering because she'd finally shut up.

Did you know Drekchester has an anthem? I didn't. But after the crowd was done cheering, it started up. The Megas were given mics, and they sang it themselves -- with all the away fans joining in.

"So you noose you're mega,
You noose you're some hot drek,
You baino into Drekchester looking for some creds.

You noose that we'll all phobe you,
You noose that we'll back down,
Well, chummer, you'll get rumpled right into the ground!

You're mega back where you bio,
They noose you're some hot drek,
But on our streets you're just a prosser who's going to get wrecked!

Drekchester! Drekchester! We'll rumple you for fun!
Drekchester! Drekchester! Then we'll wreck your mum!

We'll twock out all your organs, and kauf them in the slums,
Kauf them to some street-scavs who need to fill their tums!
Then we'll get some chems and snuff them up the schnoz,
And leggie how we taught this scav just what mega was!"

It was kind of catchy...

After it was over, the refs made us take up positions. It was time to start. That meant it was time for the scrum.

A bunch of our guys and a bunch of theirs, all locked together like it was one giant wrestling match -- fighting for the ball that a ref tossed into the mix. Those things are crazy. And I'm glad I wasn't in there with them. I was standing outside, waiting for the ball to pop out so I could grab it and run.

"The Dragons are holding their own, Bob!"

"They sure are, Jesse. I hear that 'Great Wall' Guan ate a cow and a shark before the match, to keep his weight up -- a little surf and turf training."

"I don't know about that, Bob, but he's certainly standing his ground with all that bulk. Still, we should take a moment to remind our younger viewers that overeating can lead to a number of serious health issues!"

"Ha! So can thugby!"

"Good point, Bob. Good point."

"According to my monitor, that's Virgil Jackson in there with him. Didn't you used to play with him in college, Jesse?"

"I did! And let me tell you, Bob, those Megas have their work cut out for them. We used to say that Jackson was worth two or three guys in a scrum."

"And now the punches are flying! You've gotta love it!"

"The Drekchester Megas are good at throwing those hooks that work so well in scrums, Bob. And... Holy crap! Did you see that?"

"I sure did, Jesse. That Mega flew out of the scrum like she'd been hit by a truck! Let's bring up the slow-motion replay!"

I hadn't seen what happened, because it was on the opposite side. So I looked up at the big screens along with everyone else who wasn't in the scrum.

"That looks like the handiwork of Kai Wung, a Dragon whose player profile states he's an expert in over a dozen forms of kung fu. But he barely seemed to touch 'Grunge' Gressa! How did he hit her so hard? The referees might need to examine Wung's suit for illegal strength-enhancing actuators."

"I don't think so, Jesse. That move's the one-inch punch -- a strike made famous back in the twentieth century by the legendary Bruce Lee."

"I'm impressed by your knowledge of the martial arts, Bob! It's... Wait a second! There's the ball! It's bounced out of the scrum, right into the hands of Zippy Lazlo of the Megas!"

"Zippy was on the ball in more ways than one! While everyone else was gawking at the screens, he waited for his opportunity and he grabbed it. Now he's running down the field like he's on fire!"

"Lazlo used to be a chem courier. He's used to running for his life and dodging weapons fire at the same time. Talia Ryx is going after him, but with that lead he has, she has no chance of catching him."

"Lucia the Cobra's on defense. She's heading across the pitch to intercept him. That girl's fast!"

"Zippy's looking round. He sees her coming, and he's putting on a burst of speed! He knows she's the only one who can keep him from the end zone now!"

"Lucia's gaining on him! She's right behind him, and-"

"Is she...?"

"Yes, Jesse! Lucia's garroting him!"

"The Megas' coaches are screaming on the sidelines, Bob! They're complaining that she's using a foreign object -- an illegal weapon! And there's the whistle! One of the refs is going over to investigate."

"A load of Dragons and Megas are gathering around as well. This could turn ugly!"

"The ref's examining Lucia's garrote. Let's put his mic over the sound system, so the fans can hear what he's saying."

"...legal! Miss... Uh... Miss Cobra's garrote is attached to her gauntlet. That makes it a legitimate part of her armor, just like her spikes! I repeat, it's not an illegal weapon. Let play continue!"

"The Megas don't look happy with that call, Bob. But just listen to the crowd cheer!"

"Zippy Lazlo is the unhappiest of them all, Jesse. The ref's telling him to let Lucia put her garrote back around his neck!"

"And there's the whistle! The match continues! The garroting continues! The... Wait a second, Bob -- Lazlo doesn't have the ball anymore!"

"One of the Megas is running over to the end zone. It's Gut-Phager! And he has the ball! Gut-Phager's got the ball! Lazlo must have passed it off to him while everyone was arguing! There's the whistle!"

"Touchdown!"

"Touchdown!"

"Touchdown! Apologies to all the fans who've sent us complaints about Neo-Americanisms in our commentary. But call it a try, call it a touchdown, it all means the same thing: the Megas have scored! The Dragons' fans are booing! Team captain Talia Ryx is grabbing one of the referees by his shirt and yelling in his face. But the call stands! The referees are allowing it! It's a touchdown! One-nil to the Drekchester Megas!"