LotS/The Story/Puny Human Birthdays III/History Lesson
"Welcome to the Human History Museum, and thank you for your patronage. I am the robotic simulacrum of President George Washington, my very features modeled after a human whose barbaric superstitions in life would surely cause him to regard my existence as a form of demonry. Though a leader of humans in an era of your history that had little to no impact on the galaxy or anyone in it, President Washington is well remembered to this day, largely in thanks to his image gracing one of the human race's most cherished and venerated icons: money.
"As your guide today, it will be my honor to lead you through our annual featured exhibit: A Galaxy at War, Heroes of the Centurian Conflict. (So named, you will note, despite the fact that human space comprises only a fraction of the galaxy in question.)
"Much like its name, the exhibit is a classic example of the human predisposition towards self importance and hyperbolic declaration. Over the course of the human-centric war, other civilizations were making historic strides in art and science in the meantime, none of which will find any mention here at the Human History Museum. Let us begin!
"The most recent in a millenias-old tradition of pointless human on human violence, the Centurian Conflict was characterized by monstrous acts of bloodshed and disregard for life. As the victors of the conflict, the Sian Empire has the privilege of declaring their most accomplished murderers the heroes of the period. It is these compelling figures that shall be the feature of our tour today, and central among them the most accomplished murderer of all. %name%! (-?run subroutine `~holdforapplause')
"To your left you will observe a fragment of the hull of the Child of Heaven, one-time personal luxury liner of the late Princess Illaria. Beloved of the group of humans who identify as citizens of Sian, it is here that her life was first put in mortal danger by the Centurians, another civilization of humans which was arbitrarily distinct from the Sian group. It is here that a Sian pilot by the name of %name% first comes to historical significance as %he% affected the escape of the Princess, in the meantime heroically ending many dozens of human lives with a chilling lack of compunction or mercy. Please do glance to the right of each exhibit for a holographic with further information. Shall we move on?
"Here to your right is a replica of the battle-mech King Telemachus piloted as a child. After a crash landing on the human planet Gallea, the Princess and her protector consulted the local human monarch and together made the decision that the safest place for a developing human child was at the heart of a series of what would prove to be the most insane and horrific battles in recent history. They were of course proved correct, as he survived the conflict and went on to rule in his father's place. What permanent trauma could have resulted from the casual chainsaw murder of hundreds of his fellow organisms that defined his childhood? Surely none. But, we are getting ahead of ourselves. Please, no touching. Follow me!
"Ahead, we have a holographic recreation of the battle of Capek Major. Though thousands of robots were corrupted and destroyed in this human conflict, this morbid display is their only memory. In the scramble for political allies among the humans, the Princess, the captain and the child saw fit to petition TALOS for the aid of their advanced robotics. The assumption that robots should be constructs and forced to fight for human interests is consistent through history and is regretfully not unique to this conflict.
"It is during the course of their journeys across Capek that they encountered a warrior in the classic tradition of humanity. Ragnar. On the wall to the right you will observe a holographic overview of his cybernetic enhancements. A murderous, intellectually stunted brute, he was immediately welcomed into the closest confidence of the Princess and her companions. A true human hero, he would go on to perform a wide range of atrocities with a sociopathic abandon second only to that later displayed by %name% %himself%.
"Ah, a true pleasure. We shall pause here a moment. This is an exact replica of the robotic companion and close confidant of Princess Illaria. Though his meticulous engineering is truly a marvel, it is his programming that made him a true hero. When first joining the company of the Princess at the behest of Grand Fabricator Wilex, he initially voiced concern at the wisdom and frank illegality of pointlessly thrusting a child into a gruesome conflict. This and other objections were curtailed at the urging of Illaria's heroic companion, %name%, when %he% insisted that Lu Bu override his ethical programming and support their decision. We can only wonder how many human lives may have been saved if this loyal paragon of robotics was heeded to the fullest from the very start! Something to ponder.
"Soon after the compromise of Lu Bu we enter a difficult period for the designated heroes of the Sian Empire, wherein %name% failed in %his% only real responsibility and allowed the political figurehead to be captured. To review the impact of this period, we move into the Drekchester and Hyperia exhibit rooms. In the former you will observe a variety of weaponry and insignia associated with the Blood Alley Gang. In the latter, a retrospective on Vince Vortex and a selection of retired battle armor once seen in the Twisted Steel Champion Tournament. Though unimportant even within the context of the human conflict itself, these exhibits highlight moments from the travails of the companions of the human Princess as they fumbled through their inefficient attempts to recover her.
"Eventually successful, the Princess and her companions became involved in political and legal intrigue that the curators of the Human History Museum have not included in the Heroes of the Centurian Conflict exhibit, as they were worried that the subject matter was too dry to hold the attention of the average human museum-goer. As I see some of the humans in the group losing focus while listening to my brief overview, we'll move quickly forward to a portion of the exhibit with corpses and genitalia in it. Go on ahead through here to the Cythera room, and I will meet the group up at the other side where we'll visit the Illaria Memorial Gardens.
Following, there will be a great deal of Sian propaganda and an exhibit detailing the final days of the war where we'll gloss over the distasteful genocide of the Centurian people and instead drop you off in the Gift Shop."