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| "It's savage and barbaric," Wu Tenchu said. "When the Emperor rescinded its prohibition in Sian space, and went so far as to allow the building of a stadium here on Sian, it was against my counsel."
| | [[File:LotS_Quest_Zone_11.jpg|center|Talia's Team (Planet 11)]] |
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| He did that thing he does with his eyes. You know the one I mean, captain -- where they go sort of narrow, and you can tell he's pissed off about something. I think it makes him look like a cat. Maybe a tiger. A tiger with a silly moustache. (Don't tell him I said that.)
| | <tabber> |
| | | "Intro"= |
| "Thugby... Only the uniforms and the slim rulebook render it an athletic contest instead of an act of wanton criminality. The individuals who play the game are for the most part little more than murderous lunatics who relish the opportunity to participate in what amounts to legalized rioting by day, and to take advantage of the imbecilic 'groupies' the sport attracts by night." | | {{:LotS/The Story/Talia's Team/Intro}} |
| | | |-| |
| "So ask Ragnar," I replied.
| | "Talia's Team"= |
| | | {{:LotS/The Story/Talia's Team/Talia's Team}} |
| "That was my first thought as well. But it transpires that the sparse rules governing thugby include a prohibition against players with substantial performance-enhancing cybernetic augmentations. And Mr. Ragnarsson contains more implanted technology than would be permissible when distributed among an entire team. Perhaps even an entire thugby league. So I'm compelled to look elsewhere to find a suitable captain for the Sian Dragons."
| | </tabber> |
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| "You'll need someone with a death wish. Everyone on the other team's going to be trying to tackle the Dragons' captain and rip his head off."
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| "Someone with a reckless disregard for their own wellbeing?"
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| "Yeah!"
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| "The kind of individual who's willing to risk life and limb in the most idiotic, frivolous pursuits?"
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| "Exactly!"
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| "I concur. The job is yours."
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| "Oh..."
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| Yeah, okay, I probably should have seen that coming. But when he sent for me, I thought he wanted to, you know, catch up. Maybe even ask my advice about stuff. Yeah, yeah -- I know you're probably laughing. But you remember how it used to be... All of us sitting around together, planning things out. Back when she was still here, and you were too. I miss those days... I thought maybe he did too.
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| I hadn't spoken to him for months. The last time I saw him was at that ceremony right after the war, when he gave out our medals (I have your one, by the way -- I wear them both when I go clubbing). After that he was busy doing whatever he does now... Prime ministering, I guess. Thought maybe he'd forgotten all about us. Then I got his message, saying he needed to talk to me about something and asking me to come to the palace. He has an office there now -- just a small little room tucked away somewhere. Guess he wouldn't have felt right taking the Emperor's office. Or Illaria's.
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| So, like I said, I thought he wanted some advice. Maybe he was thinking about ordering some new fighter ships, or pistols for our soldiers. Stuff I know about. Instead, he wanted someone stupid enough to get themselves killed on a thugby pitch. Got to admit, I was a little mad.
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| "Me? Captain a thugby team? You think I'm crazy?"
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| "Well, let us examine the evidence..."
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| He pressed a button on his desk, and a big holo-screen popped up between us.
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| "This aerial footage shows a number of people riding motorcycles through the streets of Wunhai at dangerous, and indeed illegal, speed."
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| "Yeah... Kids these days..."
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| The screen zoomed in. And there I was, right in the middle -- jumping from one bike to another. Long story... Well, okay, not long. I was bored and some guy I knew was taking bets on whether anyone had the nerve to jump between bikes during a street race. | |
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| Guess I should have worn a helmet...
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| "Perhaps this episode will prove more memorable," Wu said.
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| Another screen came up next to the first one. It showed a bunch of fighters flying through space in a close pack, along a beam of purple light thrown out by a cruiser up ahead. Sound familiar, captain?
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| "I believe this is what you pilots refer to as a 'Tunnel of Death Race' -- a form of suicidal competition in which men and women of questionable sanity attempt to overtake one another in such narrow confines that they each risk both their own life and those of everyone else involved."
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| "Well..."
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| Yeah, I think you can guess what happened next. One of the fighter ships zipped through the others, skimming right between them to take the lead -- so close I'm pretty sure some of their paint came off. I didn't bother trying to deny that one. Wu knew not many people could fly like that. And out of them, none of the rest of you would.
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| He turned the screens off, so I could see his face again. I'm pretty sure he was smiling. Well, as close as he gets to smiling anyway.
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| "You seem quite willing to jeopardize yourself to make a few credits..."
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| He got that wrong. Wu's a smart guy, but he doesn't understand how it is for people like us. We don't stop just because the fighting does. We still need the rush...
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| "...but not to serve the Sian Empire?"
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| "Fine! I'll do it!"
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| "Splendid. Then, Miss Talia Ryx, I formally name you as captain of the Sian Dragons."
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| He looked down, and started messing with a datapad on his desk. I figured that meant we were done, so I got up and went to the door. Then he called out after me.
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| "Oh, and Talia..."
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| "Yeah?"
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| "Make sure you win the match."
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| TEAM BUILDING
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| So there I was. Me -- a captain. Pretty weird, huh? I knew the first time someone called me that, I'd turn around and expect to see you there. But I guess we're both captains now, captain.
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| There was just one little problem... I didn't have a team. That's kind of the first thing you need when you want to play thugby. Well, maybe the ball. But after you have the ball, it's the next thing. Did you hear what happened to the Sian Dragons? The old ones, I mean. The rest of us only found out after we got Sian back, and I don't know how much you've been watching the news networks.
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| When the Centurians attacked, the Dragons put on their armor and went out to fight them. They were gunned down in front of the stadium, trying to protect people who'd taken shelter inside. Every last one of them. There's a statue of them there now. Wu had it put up, even though he's always hated thugby players.
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| So, I needed to find some new recruits. And since I didn't really know any athletes, I figured I'd have to improvise...
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| ***
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| "I thought an assassin would be hard to sneak up on."
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| "I'm not an assassin." She turned around, pulling the guy she was garroting round with her -- so he ended up between us. His tongue was hanging out like a happy dog's. The rest of him didn't look so happy though. "I'm just a concerned citizen. And you didn't sneak up on me. I recognized your footsteps and knew you weren't a threat."
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| "I'm kind of insulted... My superior officers always used to say I was a threat to the rest of the squadron whenever I got in the cockpit."
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| "Did Wu Tenchu tell you I was here?"
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| 'Here' was an abandoned toy factory. The Centurians closed it down back when they took over. Guess the jerks didn't like stuffed bears.
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| "Yeah, he said you were taking care of something for him. What did this guy do?" I pointed at the man she was choking. He reached out, like he wanted me to help him. But if Wu Tenchu wanted him dead, I figured he'd done something to deserve it...
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| "He informed for the Centurian Collective during the occupation."
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| "I think they have trials to handle that kind of thing..."
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| "He covered his tracks too well for that. Besides, my way's quicker. What do you want, Talia?"
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| Typical Lucia the Cobra. No small talk, no asking how I'd been. I could see why Wu hired her to help clean things up. She was his kind of woman.
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| "You're pretty fast, right? And good at fighting."
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| "Yes. Your point?"
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| She dropped the guy. He fell face-first into a pile of Happy Lucky Bears. I used to love those things as a kid...
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| "How would you like to play thugby?"
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| "What?"
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| "It's this sport where-"
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| "I know what thugby is."
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| "Great! Then you're already qualified! I-"
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| "Wu Tenchu sent you here to ask me that?"
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| "I told him I wanted you for my team. I'm captain of the Sian Dragons now."
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| "Since when does he care about thugby?"
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| "Since we got challenged by the Drekchester Megas."
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| Oh, yeah... Sorry, Willy. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. What can I say? I suck at storytelling.
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| "The Megas? Don't those idiots know the whole team got slaughtered?"
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| "Pretty sure that's why they challenged us. The Dragons beat them in the last three matches. They want a chance to get their own back, and probably don't think whatever team we throw together will stand a chance."
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| "Wu should just tell them to go to hell. Or send me to Drekchester to shut them up..."
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| "That's what I said, but he said the match would 'show the galaxy that the newly liberated Sian Empire is ready to resume its place in the interstellar community'."
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| "That sounds like something he'd say."
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| "Personally, I think he just didn't want to lose face in front of the Megas. Anyway, he said it would be great PR to have a hero of the liberation as team captain."
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| "And you got stuck with the job."
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| "Yeah. So, how about it? Want to join up? We have fancy uniforms and everything!"
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| ***
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| Then I went clubbing.
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| The Galloping Galaxy was holding its big reopening. You should see the place now -- they rebuilt the whole thing twice as high as it was before, and added a new low gravity room. I knew the guy I wanted to see was going to be there.
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| I wore something slutty, had a few Tygers (hey, I like the stripes!), and went onto the main dance floor to do my thing. Didn't take long for someone to grope me. Just what I was waiting for. I turned round and punched him out. That got Virgil's attention.
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| You remember Virgil, right? He used to be a doorman on Cythera. He stuck around on Sian, and ended up becoming Galloping Galaxy's head of security. I'd tried to get in touch with him, but he was busy sorting stuff out for the reopening. So I got creative, and ended up in his office (the guy I floored got thrown out -- sucks to be him!). It was pretty cool in there. He had these big screens all over the walls, ceiling, and even the floor. They showed everything in the club. It was like having x-ray vision or something.
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| "Tonight of all nights?" he said. He had this frown on. Maybe it was the Tyger, Tyger, but I thought it made him look all cute and serious. "You had to cause trouble while all those media people are here covering our reopening?"
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| "Hey, most of the reporters were too wasted to see anything..." I pointed at one of the screens on the floor. That woman from Channel 509 was in a hallway, pressing this young guy against the wall and pretty much sucking his face off. "Besides, you'll get great publicity out of it. Don't mean to brag, but I'm hot stuff at the moment."
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| "You have a point..."
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| "Anyway, I needed to talk to you. And you weren't returning my calls."
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| "I've been busy."
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| "Me too. That's why I'm here. I'm putting a thugby team together, and you'd be perfect for it."
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| "Huh? You think every big black guy just happens to be good at thugby?"
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| "No. But the ones who went to university on a thugby scholarship? Probably."
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| "You know about that?"
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| "Hey, I'm not just a pretty face and a pair of guns!"
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| He glanced down.
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| "Not those ones! The ones I shoot people with!"
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| "Oh..."
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| "Anyway, I checked to see if I knew anyone who used to be an athlete, and I came up with you. So, want to play for the Dragons?"
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| "No chance. My thugby days are behind me."
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| "We're playing the Drekchester Megas."
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| "Then count me in."
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| "Heh. Yeah, I figured you'd say that. When I was reading up on your bio, I saw your blog. Not a fan of Drekchester, huh?"
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| "Have you heard the way they talk there? It's like they took ancient Greek and fed her chems until she became a drugged-up slut! As a classics major, it pisses me off." He got that look on his face, the one he gets when he's about to say something fancy that no one else understands. "It fills me with anger equal to the wrath of Achilles -- the direful spring of woes unnumbered!"
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| "Yeah... If you say so."
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| ***
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| Things were going pretty well. I may not be as great as you are when it comes to recruiting people, or like Illaria was, but I can get the job done. Plus I got lucky. I found out that a bunch of Niflung thugby players were stranded on Sian. They came for the battle, helped us fight the Centurians, then started drinking to celebrate. A couple of months later they were still drinking, and ended up selling their ship for beer money. Niflungs...
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| I got Wu Tenchu to settle their tab and give them a new ship if they agreed to play. But they probably would have done it for free anyway. When their team didn't hear back from them, they thought they'd died in the battle -- and had them replaced. So playing the Drekchester Megas was a way for them to get back into the game. Maybe even impress some of the Niflung teams they wanted to play for.
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| I hit up some kwoons as well, to fill out the team with kung fu experts. If you can kick someone's head off, you can kick a ball, right? Most of them told me to get lost. The masters said stuff about how thugby killed the soul and diminished your chi. Pretty lame, huh? But I went to one of those modern kwoons, the kind of place where the cybered-up kung fu guys train. They were up for it, so I picked out the ones who didn't have too many implants.
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| After that, I just wanted one more player. We needed more beef in the team, someone big and heavy to help out in the scrum. And I knew where to find him. I just had to follow the sound of crying restaurant owners.
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| I don't think you ever met Guan Chao. He used to compete in Twisted Steel as 'Great Wall' Guan. They called him that because he's big, and he beat up the Mongol Horde (a stable of fighters, not the real Mongol horde -- I think the Mongolians stopped having hordes a while back). He went out and helped fight in the streets when we needed that distraction. And in the last battle, while you and me were fighting in front of the palace, he took out a whole Storm squad single-handed. Just charged into them and beat them to death with his bare hands. Well, okay... He was wearing a battlesuit. So not exactly 'bare' hands. Still damn good though.
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| He was given a medal for that, just like the ones the rest of us got. And pretty much every restaurant on the planet said they'd give free meals for life to any customer who had one...
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| I found him sitting at a table, covered with plates and plates of dim sum (the table, I mean -- not Guan). He was using two pairs of chopsticks, and demolishing everything -- shoving food into his mouth as fast as his hands could move. The owner and his wife were arguing in the kitchen. She wanted to throw Guan out before they went broke.
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| "Hey, Guan... How'd you feel about playing thugby?"
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| He didn't answer. Pretty sure he heard me, but he didn't want to stop eating long enough to talk. I waited for him to finish, but the owner won the argument -- and waiters kept bringing out more dim sum. So Guan just kept on eating. Until I pulled my pistol out and blew the ends off his chopsticks.
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| The waiters started yelling, and some of the customers ducked for cover. But the owner's wife gave me a round of applause.
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| "As I was saying... Would you like to play thugby?"
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| "Fine! Fine! Whatever! Just bring me more chopsticks!"
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| EYE OF THE DRAGON
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| I had my team! Pretty impressive, huh? It was awesome to be the leader for a change (no offense, captain...). But with great power comes the ability to make great screw ups and get yourself run off the planet. If we got smashed by the Megas, I knew everyone would blame me. And angry thugby fans are worse than death squads. At least death squads don't try eating your organs while you're still alive...
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| I had to win. And to win, I had to turn us all into an ass-kicking team. That meant hard training.
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| ***
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| "Are you ready to rock!?!"
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| Screaming Barracuda's voice blasted from the stadium's sound system. It was just the Sian Dragons on the pitch, and the stands were empty. So it was sort of like being at a concert where everyone had forgotten to show up.
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| "If we say no," Lucia asked, "will that stop her?"
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| "No," Virgil replied. "She played a gig on Cythera once. A punk in the audience shot her in the arm before we grabbed him, and she still carried on playing."
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| "I said, are you ready to rock!?!"
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| Barra didn't wait for an answer. She just started singing. Or screaming. With her, they're kind of the same thing. The others gathered round like they were going to lynch me.
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| "What the hell is this?" a Niflung yelled. I couldn't tell which he was, since their big blond beards and long hair made all the men look the same.
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| "There isn't really a thugby match, is there?" Kai, one of the kung fu students, asked. "Tricking people is the only way she can get them to come to her damn concerts!"
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| I waved for Barra to quiet down. Her guitar made this big wailing twang like she was pissed, but she stopped.
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| "It's part of our training," I explained.
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| "Great plan. We'll hate life so much that we won't think twice about getting killed in the match." Lucia... I don't know why she bothers with that garrote. She could just cut people's throats with sarcasm instead...
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| "I call it Music Montage Theory. It's something I discovered when I was watching old movies. Back in those days they used inspirational songs with power chords to distort space and time -- so people could do a ton of training really quickly."
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| "That's ridiculous."
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| "Uh-uh. I asked Professor Mycroft about it, and he said my theory was as brilliant as I was."
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| "I see..."
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| "So, let's do some training!"
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| I gave the signal before anyone else could argue. Screaming Barracuda hit Wailing Doom's strings and sang.
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| "Killer! I can see it in your eye!
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| Killer! People cross you and they die!"
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| ***
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| The rest of the session went by in a blur. I figure that means my Music Montage Theory was right! Or maybe it was the concussion they say I got in tackling practice...
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| There was definitely some running. You've got to be fast in a thugby match, so you can run with the ball without anyone smashing you -- or catch one of their guys if they have the ball. And you can't just be fast in straight lines, like a sprinter. You have to be able to change direction and get around people. That's why I brought in a bunch of SWAT cops with riot armor and shock sticks, and had them chase everyone.
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| You know how quick I am. Lucia too. And the others ended up doing great as well. Nothing like an electric shock up your butt to make you go faster. Sure, Guan ended up getting fried a bunch of times. But that's what he gets for eating dim sum all day...
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| I don't remember exactly how the tackling drills went, but for those I brought in Raiyama. I couldn't persuade him to join the Dragons ("There is no honor in thugby!", his subtitles said), but he agreed to help us train. Good thinking, huh? If you can bring down a sumo wrestler in a battlesuit, or survive being tackled by him, you've got it made.
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| For the scrum, I got Wilex to help out. TALOS built these training bots for thugby players, but no one ever used them. You know how most people are about robots. And it didn't help when one of them broke a player's spine at the demonstration (don't worry -- they fixed the bug and the guy's back). Anyway, he said we could have a bunch. For scrum workouts they all sort of combine by locking their bodies together. Makes them really tough to wrestle with, so it gives you a great workout.
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| He helped out with our catching work as well, by taking an anti-air gun and converting it to fire thugby balls instead of shells. Nothing like having a storm of footballs flying at your face to make you think fast. Some of the others ran for cover. And at first the kung fu guys kept parrying them aside instead of grabbing them. But most of us got the hang of it. They said I even jumped into the air, sprang off Virgil's shoulders, and grabbed one that was like twelve feet in the air. Wish I could remember that, because it sounds awesome.
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| We trained that hard every day until the match. Most of us had to spend our nights in healing tanks to recover, but it was worth it. And I had Screaming Barracuda's best tracks pumped into the tanks to keep our fighting spirit going.
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| SCUM SCRUM
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| Time flies. Maybe it was all the montages... But before we knew it, we were running out onto a pitch that was lit up with floodlights, and there were thousands of people shouting in the stands. Some of the kung fu students kept looking around like they couldn't believe it. I probably should have trained them for that too, but a girl can't think of everything. I was okay -- after you've been in a few battles, a screaming crowd isn't a big deal. Besides, I was there when you were in Twisted Steel. It was pretty much the same thing.
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| And it was a home crowd. Mostly people from Sian who'd come to cheer the Dragons on. That helped everyone who was nervous. There's nothing quite like hearing an army chanting your name, or seeing your team logo painted on girls' breasts (it was a cold night as well -- hope none of them caught a chill).
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| Wu Tenchu had set aside part of the stadium for the away team though. It was full of people from Drekchester, so it looked kind of like a riot that hadn't got started yet. The Blood Alley Gang were there in the front row. Virgil said they'd bet a ton of credits on the match. And word was that they'd offered a big bonus to any Mega who killed me in the match. Jerks! We should have let Ragnar cut that big one's leg off...
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| Those two guys who do the commentary for all the big thugby matches were there as well, linked to the stadium's sound system so everyone could hear them.
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| "I'm Jesse Shark, here with Bob 'Blam' Boser, broadcasting from Sian's Eternal Dragon Stadium! Did you ever think we'd be back here, Bob?"
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| "No I didn't, Jesse. When the Centurians took over, I thought this place would be closed down for good."
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| "That's right, Bob -- thugby was banned all across Collective space, including in the conquered Sian Empire. A sad day for liberty and sport!"
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| "Yeah! Makes me glad Willy genocided them!"
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| "Wow! Controversial words, Bob!"
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| "Not to this crowd! Just listen to them cheer, Jesse!"
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| "Well, a lot of people think we're going to be witnessing another genocide here tonight."
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| "Nice segue, Jesse! Yeah, most gamblers aren't betting on whether the Dragons will win the match -- they're betting on how many of them will survive!"
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| "Talia Ryx, the captain of the newly rebuilt Sian Dragons, has been landed with the most dangerous job in thugby. She has to be regretting that decision right about now!"
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| "Ha! See that, Jesse?"
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| "It looks like Miss Ryx is making an obscene gesture in our direction."
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| "You're just lucky that's all she's doing! The girl's a great shot with those guns of hers. We've all seen the footage of her shooting camera drones out of the air and datapads out of journalists' hands."
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| "We sure have, Bob. Those reporters should have learned what 'no comment' means!"
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| "Here come the Megas! Just listen to the home fans boo!"
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| We'd all watched holo-vids of the Megas. You have to be prepared, right? But they looked even bigger and nastier in person. Remember what the walls looked like in Drekchester? It was like they'd been cut right out of them. Their armor was covered in graffiti. Some of it was even done in glowing neon. It actually looked pretty cool. I might get a black dress with that stuff on it for nights out.
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| The biggest of them all was their captain, Gut-Phager. I spotted him right away, because he was a few inches taller than everyone else and just wore a mask instead of a helmet (he didn't need one -- his skull got cracked open in a match, so he had metal plates put in). His name was spray-painted on his chest. In case he got lost, I guess. And below it was a picture of a mouth with some long, ropey things hanging out.
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| He walked up and stared into my eyes, like he was trying to psyche me out. Guess he didn't know I'd met way scarier people than him...
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| "You ready to get rumpled, chummer?"
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| At least I think that's what he said... Even my aural implant couldn't really understand his accent through that mask.
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| "Huh? Take those turds out of your mouth before you talk to me." I pointed at the picture on his chest.
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| "Those are guts, prosser! I'm Gut-Phager! I phage guts!"
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| "Yeah, sure they are... Crap-Phager."
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| Okay, if you were there you'd probably have come up with something cleverer. But hey, it worked. He was pissed. He would have gone for me right there, if the refs hadn't separated us and made both our teams line up.
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| There was a minute's silence for the original Sian Dragons. Everyone honored it -- even the Megas and their fans. If someone had spat, you would have heard it hit the ground. The dead players' pictures appeared on the stadium's screens. First there were some from the matches they played. Then there were more, showing them just having fun with their friends and families. I never knew any of them, but I still got a bit choked up.
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| When it was over, there was a round of applause. Then the Sian anthem played. Oh, yeah... I forgot to say. That was Screaming Barracuda's deal. She played for us when we trained, and in return she got to sing the anthem on the night. I didn't tell Wu Tenchu about that. He might have sent an assassin after me...
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| And it worked out great. Barra has a pretty nice voice under all that screaming she usually does. She probably knew she couldn't get away with screwing up our anthem. Not if she wanted to get off Sian alive. I think it was the first time people have ever cheered at the end of one of her songs because it was good, instead of cheering because she'd finally shut up.
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| Did you know Drekchester has an anthem? I didn't. But after the crowd was done cheering, it started up. The Megas were given mics, and they sang it themselves -- with all the away fans joining in.
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| "So you noose you're mega,
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| You noose you're some hot drek,
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| You baino into Drekchester looking for some creds.
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| You noose that we'll all phobe you,
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| You noose that we'll back down,
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| Well, chummer, you'll get rumpled right into the ground!
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| You're mega back where you bio,
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| They noose you're some hot drek,
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| But on our streets you're just a prosser who's going to get wrecked!
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| Drekchester! Drekchester! We'll rumple you for fun!
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| Drekchester! Drekchester! Then we'll wreck your mum!
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| We'll twock out all your organs, and kauf them in the slums,
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| Kauf them to some street-scavs who need to fill their tums!
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| Then we'll get some chems and snuff them up the schnoz,
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| And leggie how we taught this scav just what mega was!"
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| It was kind of catchy...
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| After it was over, the refs made us take up positions. It was time to start. That meant it was time for the scrum.
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| A bunch of our guys and a bunch of theirs, all locked together like it was one giant wrestling match -- fighting for the ball that a ref tossed into the mix. Those things are crazy. And I'm glad I wasn't in there with them. I was standing outside, waiting for the ball to pop out so I could grab it and run.
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| "The Dragons are holding their own, Bob!" | |
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| "They sure are, Jesse. I hear that 'Great Wall' Guan ate a cow and a shark before the match, to keep his weight up -- a little surf and turf training."
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| "I don't know about that, Bob, but he's certainly standing his ground with all that bulk. Still, we should take a moment to remind our younger viewers that overeating can lead to a number of serious health issues!"
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| "Ha! So can thugby!"
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| "Good point, Bob. Good point."
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| "According to my monitor, that's Virgil Jackson in there with him. Didn't you used to play with him in college, Jesse?"
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| "I did! And let me tell you, Bob, those Megas have their work cut out for them. We used to say that Jackson was worth two or three guys in a scrum."
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| "And now the punches are flying! You've gotta love it!"
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| "The Drekchester Megas are good at throwing those hooks that work so well in scrums, Bob. And... Holy crap! Did you see that?"
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| "I sure did, Jesse. That Mega flew out of the scrum like she'd been hit by a truck! Let's bring up the slow-motion replay!"
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| I hadn't seen what happened, because it was on the opposite side. So I looked up at the big screens along with everyone else who wasn't in the scrum.
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| "That looks like the handiwork of Kai Wung, a Dragon whose player profile states he's an expert in over a dozen forms of kung fu. But he barely seemed to touch 'Grunge' Gressa! How did he hit her so hard? The referees might need to examine Wung's suit for illegal strength-enhancing actuators."
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| "I don't think so, Jesse. That move's the one-inch punch -- a strike made famous back in the twentieth century by the legendary Bruce Lee."
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| "I'm impressed by your knowledge of the martial arts, Bob! It's... Wait a second! There's the ball! It's bounced out of the scrum, right into the hands of Zippy Lazlo of the Megas!"
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| "Zippy was on the ball in more ways than one! While everyone else was gawking at the screens, he waited for his opportunity and he grabbed it. Now he's running down the field like he's on fire!"
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| "Lazlo used to be a chem courier. He's used to running for his life and dodging weapons fire at the same time. Talia Ryx is going after him, but with that lead he has, she has no chance of catching him."
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| "Lucia the Cobra's on defense. She's heading across the pitch to intercept him. That girl's fast!"
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| "Zippy's looking round. He sees her coming, and he's putting on a burst of speed! He knows she's the only one who can keep him from the end zone now!"
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| "Lucia's gaining on him! She's right behind him, and-"
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| "Is she...?"
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| "Yes, Jesse! Lucia's garroting him!"
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| "The Megas' coaches are screaming on the sidelines, Bob! They're complaining that she's using a foreign object -- an illegal weapon! And there's the whistle! One of the refs is going over to investigate."
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| "A load of Dragons and Megas are gathering around as well. This could turn ugly!"
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| "The ref's examining Lucia's garrote. Let's put his mic over the sound system, so the fans can hear what he's saying."
| |
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| "...legal! Miss... Uh... Miss Cobra's garrote is attached to her gauntlet. That makes it a legitimate part of her armor, just like her spikes! I repeat, it's not an illegal weapon. Let play continue!"
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| "The Megas don't look happy with that call, Bob. But just listen to the crowd cheer!"
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| "Zippy Lazlo is the unhappiest of them all, Jesse. The ref's telling him to let Lucia put her garrote back around his neck!"
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| "And there's the whistle! The match continues! The garroting continues! The... Wait a second, Bob -- Lazlo doesn't have the ball anymore!"
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| "One of the Megas is running over to the end zone. It's Gut-Phager! And he has the ball! Gut-Phager's got the ball! Lazlo must have passed it off to him while everyone was arguing! There's the whistle!"
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| "Touchdown!"
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| "Touchdown!"
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| "Touchdown! Apologies to all the fans who've sent us complaints about Neo-Americanisms in our commentary. But call it a try, call it a touchdown, it all means the same thing: the Megas have scored! The Dragons' fans are booing! Team captain Talia Ryx is grabbing one of the referees by his shirt and yelling in his face. But the call stands! The referees are allowing it! It's a touchdown! One-nil to the Drekchester Megas!"
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| PITCH BATTLE
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| They'd scored already... Not good.
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| You know how it is in a battle. If one side gets the upper hand right away, and scores a big win of some kind, it can make the other side lose hope. And once their morale goes, they just fall apart. I couldn't let that happen. I needed everyone to keep their heads in the game. So when we huddled up, I said: "Time for Plan V."
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| The 'V' stood for 'Violence'. | |
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| "Jacob Chang is taking the kickoff for the Sian Dragons, Bob."
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| "And look at that ball go, Jesse. It's the first time I've ever seen a crane kick on the thugby pitch."
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| "It's going all the way down the Megas' half of the field! How did he kick like that?"
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| "It's called chi, Jesse."
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| "Well, some of our fans will probably call it chi-ting. Get it, Bob? Chi-ting? Cheating?"
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| "It's not a real joke if you have to explain it, Jesse... Check out the Dragons! They're going all out! The eleven players on the team are invading the Megas' territory together. They're not leaving anyone behind for defense!"
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| "They're not even making for the ball! They're all just starting fights with the first Megas they run into!"
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| "Virgil Jackson practically tackled that guy in half! 'Great Wall' Guan is ploughing through Megas like a rhino smashing its way through a pediatrics unit! Leif Gunderson has 'Grunge' Gressa in a headlock and is punching her in the face! Frida Gunderson, the other half of the brother-sister thugby duo, is stomping on Zippy Lazlo's head! It's not been a good night for Zippy!"
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| "Uh oh... Jacob Chang's going for Gut-Phager. This could be a mistake, Bob."
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| "A flying kick! And Gut-Phager just knocks it aside!"
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| "Oh! You could feel that punch from here! The entire crowd groaned with that one! Chang's tottering around like he's been on a bender!"
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| "And Gut-Phager isn't finished with him! He's picking him up, and... Powerbomb! He smashed Chang down right on his head!"
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| "Chang isn't moving!"
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| "Even chi can't save you from Gut-Phager!"
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| "There's 'Great Wall' Guan -- he's grappling with the Megas' captain, and keeping him off Chang."
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| "It's a bit late for that, Jesse. I've been served crispy aromatic duck that looked more alive than that guy!"
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| "Frida Gunderson's slung Chang over her shoulder, and is carrying him to the sideline for medical attention. We'd like to remind everyone watching that thugby armor automatically immobilizes a player's neck and spine when they're incapacitated. If you encounter someone with possible spinal injuries elsewhere, they shouldn't be manhandled like that!"
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| "The rest of the Dragons are out for revenge! They're going for Gut-Phager, and the other Megas are diving into the melee to back him up! It's a warzone! They don't even care about the ball anymore!"
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| "Hold on, Bob -- it looks like a couple of them still do! Zippy Lazlo's dazed from his stomping, but he's staggering towards the ball. And there's Leif Gunderson right behind! Zippy's got it, but he doesn't know Gunderson's coming for him! He's turning round and... Wow! Lazlo grabbed the ball, and the Niflung grabbed Lazlo! He's running down the field with the Mega!"
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| "None of the other Megas are paying attention! They're too busy fighting! Gunderson's near the end zone and... He just powerslammed Zippy into the ground! With the ball! Touchdown! Touchdown!"
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| "The score's tied now! The referees' are blowing their whistles to get the teams to their positions, but no one's listening. They're still going at it!"
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| ***
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| Chang was okay. He was out of the match, and we had to bring a substitute on, but there wasn't any permanent damage. As for the rest of us...
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| Ever tried fighting in thugby armor? It's pretty tiring -- especially when you're getting battered by a bunch of beefy players. And we went at it hard for a long time. So we were all exhausted, us and the Megas. Afterwards the game slowed down for a bit. Both teams played more defensive. It was only near the end of the match that things livened up again.
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| The ball had just gone out of bounds, into the stands. That meant another scrum to get things restarted. Everyone knew the next try would settle it, and it gave us our second wind.
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| "Both teams are pushing hard, Bob!"
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| "And punching the hell out of each other! That's what I like to see!"
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| "There's the ball! It looks like Virgil Jackson grabbed it and knocked it clear -- straight to Talia Ryx! The scrum's breaking up! Some of the Dragons are heading down the field, and the Megas are moving to block them!"
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| "Talia's getting ready to throw the ball, but no one's open! And two of the Megas are heading right for her!"
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| GUT-PHAGER
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| So there I was, with the ball in my hand and two psychos coming to break me in half. I know you've been in situations like that, Willy -- times when you have to think fast and act fast to survive.
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| "She's thrown the ball, Bob!"
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| "It's a bad throw, Jesse! Look how high it's going! She's not getting enough distance! It won't reach any of the other Dragons!"
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| "It doesn't have to, Bob! Look!"
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| Stupid Megas... I threw the ball, and they looked up at it instead of at me.
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| "Unbelievable, Jesse! Ryx is running like a madwoman, and she's... Yes! She's caught up with the ball! It's dropping right to her!"
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| "She threw the ball to herself! I've never seen anything like it! Some of the Megas are trying to break away and stop her, but the Dragons are on them!"
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| "Guan just planted two of them into the pitch at the same time! Jackson's taken down Gressa! They aren't letting anyone through!"
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| "Talia's speeding down the pitch. But wait! Gut-Phager's knocked Kai Wung spinning! Wung's down! And there's no one else there to tackle him! He's between Talia and the end zone!"
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| "Look at Gut-Phager taunting! He's going to make damn sure Ryx has to go through him if she wants to score!"
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| "Time's running out, Bob! She has to make her move!"
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| "She's tossed the ball right up in the air!"
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| "But Gut-Phager isn't as dumb as he looks, Jesse! He isn't looking up. He's going for Talia instead!"
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| "She went to the well once too often with that trick, and she might pay for it now!"
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| "Nice dodge! Ryx can move! That punch went right by her. And... Yes! She just tore Gut-Phager's mask off!"
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| "That's bad news for Gut-Phager, Bob! Most of his skull's metal-plated, but his jaw isn't!"
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| "This is what he gets for being too cocky to wear a helmet! Oh! Flying knee! Ryx just put her knee through his unprotected jaw!"
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| "Maybe she was listening to me, Bob!"
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| "Maybe! But that means Gut-Phager's going to be pissed off at you after the match, Jesse! I might need a new broadcast colleague when he's finished with you!"
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| "Oh, hell..."
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| "Ryx didn't even land after that knee! She just jumped off his shoulder! She's in the air! Gut-Phager's falling, and... Yes! She has it! She caught the ball!"
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| "She's hit the ground, she's rolling, and..."
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| "Touchdown!"
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| "Touchdown!"
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| "Touchdown! She's done it! The Sian Dragons have won the match! The crowd's going wild!"
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| "But look over at the away fans section, Jesse! They aren't happy!"
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| "Uh oh... The Blood Alley Gang are storming the pitch! Looks like they're going to take care of the Dragons themselves!"
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| "Wait a minute, Jesse! They're not going for the Dragons! They're after the Megas! If the grapevine's telling the truth, the Megas just cost them a fortune -- and they're taking it out of their hides! Look at them stomping on Gut-Phager!"
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| "This something you just hate to see, Bob. The Drekchester Megas did their best!"
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| "Yeah? Try telling that to the Blood Alley Gang!"
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| "No thank you, Bob. I don't know what 'rumpled' means, but I'm sure I don't want it to happen to me!"
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| "Look! Talia Ryx just pulled one of them off Gut-Phager, and headbutted him! A thugby helmet against an unprotected face? That's going to leave a mark!"
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| "And here come the rest of the Dragons! They're helping the Megas, and beating the hell out of the Blood Alley Gang! What a great show of sportsmanship!"
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| Yeah... Security was taking way too long to get there, and I wasn't going to let the Bloody Alley Gang get away with that. So I stepped in, and started kicking butt. Guess those losers hadn't counted on that. Or they were too stupid to care. But they cared by the time we were done. Pretty sure every player, on both teams, ended up stomping our boot-prints into them.
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| So, all's well that ends well. Wu Tenchu was happy, and so were the fans. Even the Drekchester Megas were cool about it, after we saved their butts. They came out drinking with us that night. Gut-Phager actually apologized to Jacob Chang for practically powerbombing him through the pitch. But Chang wouldn't hear it -- said it was just part of the game. And no one complained when Screaming Barracuda decided to play at the victory party.
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| After that, it all became kind of a blur. Maybe it was the liquor. But I like to think it was the Music Montage Theory...
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